Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.