Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker