A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I have a heart-on for you.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.