The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.