What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
I like you sow much.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Talk literary to me.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
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