There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Life is brew-tiful!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
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