My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
I read dead people.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Paddy like a rockstar.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Go to BabaMail
