How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
Hello there, how do you brew?
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
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