Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
I want to stick to you like glucose.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
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