It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
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