I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
We bee-long together.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Go to BabaMail
