What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
I beacha miss summer already!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
He threw three free throws.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Permission to board?
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
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