I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
You’re my heartthrob.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
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