Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Nice life preservers.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
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