What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Rebel without a Claus.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
You're so clover!
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
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