In Ireland, I call the shots.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
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