Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
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