My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Baby, you're a firework.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I give roughing a whole new definition.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
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