What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.

“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon

What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.

Water you doing, my friend?

How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.

My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"

I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams

my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.

That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.

How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.

What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!

I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

- Erma Bombeck.

Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.

I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak.

What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.

When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.

This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.

What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light

What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”

You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.

What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.

I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.

I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.

How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.

Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

"Wine a little, laugh a lot."

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

Why is rain the best kind of music?

Because it has amazing drops.

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...

Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.

Wanna churn butter with me?