It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?

I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?

If I was your heart would you let me beat?

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.

“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice be love that I'm feeling?

Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.

There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded

Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.

What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.

Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.

Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!

What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!

“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.

“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".

Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.

I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.

What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.

A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.

Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.

If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!