Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
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