My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
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