"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Salty but sweet.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
I whale-y like you.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
You're my missing ingredient.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
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