There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Everybody romaine calm.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
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