What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF

“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”

- Penelope Lombard.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”

What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!

What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.

“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

It's ice to meet you.

What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.

"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault

A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.

I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.

I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.

“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous

I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.

My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!

Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.

“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?

Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day

Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.

What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.

What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.

Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.

They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?

The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

Red lorry, yellow lorry.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.