Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.

On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

- Dorothy Parker.

I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.

What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"

Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.

What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan

If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.

Summer is just floating by.

One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”

Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.

What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!

What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.

Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone

Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!

What do you call two pears?
A pair.

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

Nice Skates... wanna puck?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.

How about we drop the gloves and go at it?