What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Some bunny loves you.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Say it ain’t snow.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
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