How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
"Bugs and hisses."
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
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