A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.

But it’s actually a common mist-conception.

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”

- Julia Roberts.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.

How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.

Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.

Crowing, crowing, gone.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!

You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.

How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.

Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.

What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.

My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?

I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"

What did the girl say before making a big decision?

‘Do not pressure me.’

Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

- Sam Levenson

People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."

People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”

How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.

What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.

I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.

It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?

Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.

Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.

“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”

Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.

How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,

"It's wine o'clock."

Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.

What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.