We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
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