What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
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