Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.

The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.

Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.

My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"

Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.

What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?

Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.

What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.

We've been driving all day, I need a brake.

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.

You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.

How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!

Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.

My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.

Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.

Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.

What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo

“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.

Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.

I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?

A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.

What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!

If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.

Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.

One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.

The ocean made me salty.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.