“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
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