Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
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