Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Practice safe text: use commas.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
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