How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?

4X4.

You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.

“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”

What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating

Beach, please.

A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.

What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor

When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.

Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.

Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.

'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.

Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.

A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?

What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.

5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!

Santa's Short Suit Shrunk

Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Hurricane

Hurricane who?

Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?

Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.

You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.

How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.

What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.

Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!

The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.

Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.

Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler

RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.

What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus

Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.

You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.

“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."

I said, "No, he only has two."

What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!