Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.

I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.

What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!

To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.

Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.

What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”

What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!

Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.

What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.

What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!

Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.

Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.

Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society

What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.

Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud

How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.

“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde

He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade

On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!

What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.

A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.

And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.

“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown

You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck

What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.