“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Join us for plenty of play action.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Sip, sip, horray!
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
I've only got three months to live.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
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