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9 Ways To Bring the Spark Back To Your Marriage

 You've been married for several years, know each other better than anyone else and know what your partner is going to say before they do. Really knowing the person we chose to spend our whole lives with is important, but is it enough? Does it help us keep the spark of our marriage alive?


Unfortunately, the answer to this is often no, but that doesn’t mean that the situation can’t be improved. In order to regain the spark that is sometimes lost in marriage, it is important that you apply the following 9 principles to help you in the task and astoundingly improve your relationship.

Marriage tips

1. Throw a surprise party

The routine of life can become tiring and make us feel worn out, something which also affects our marital life. Many times we just don’t have the energy to spend time with our partner, and this feeling certainly doesn’t contribute to a blissful relationship. Elaine Beth Cohen, a life coach, explains that being tired is understandable, but in order not to let it affect your marriage, you simply have to overcome it and celebrate life and marriage.

To do this you can have a small party at home with the people closest to you, with some drinks and take-out. Putting together a small party of this type doesn’t require too much time and money, but its results will surprise you and allow you to spend time with your partner in a particularly enjoyable social environment that’ll put a smile on both your faces.

2. Start jotting down a thank-you diary for your partner

Sometimes the spark fades in relationships when we begin to see our partner as something that is taken for granted rather than the person we were excited about at the beginning of the relationship. When this happens, there is a tendency to take for granted what our partners do for us, which isn’t very helpful.

To start seeing your partner as the person you once fell in love with, start writing down all the things you’re thankful for about them. Write down even one small thing every day that your partner did for you, and on weekends read the list out. This will make you understand the importance of your partner in your life and how much they contribute to and enrich it.

Marriage tips

3. Be selfish sometimes

We often receive messages from society that we have to take care of others at all times, especially when we are in a relationship. According to Courtney Geter, an expert couple therapist, it makes us forget the most significant person in our lives - ourselves. In order for you to feel a spark with your partner, it is important that you feel it with yourself, and you can do so only if you think of yourself from time to time.

For one day or even one afternoon a month, spend time just for yourself and do things you love without thinking about external factors. It is recommended that you advise your partner to do the same thing so that you and your partner can "relax" from your daily routine and feel the excitement that life has to offer. It is important that you be enthusiastic about your life so that you can pass this enthusiasm on to your relationship, to improve it for both sides.

4. Listen to feelings hidden between the lines

When you have a conversation with your partner, do you nod in agreement and not really listen? We all do this at times, however, doing this causes us to miss not only what our partner is saying, but also what they are trying to convey between the lines. When your partner speaks to you, concentrate only on what they are saying and try to figure out if there are any hidden messages. Sometimes they will try to say something that is not easy for them to talk about, making it all the harder when it falls on deaf ears. When you learn how to really listen, you will start to see your partner as a more interesting person and as having something to say, which will certainly help bring back the spark to your marriage.

Marriage tips

5. Pursue your dreams together

Many people who are dissatisfied with how their lives are conducted, for example in the workplace, bring the negative feelings home with them, which adversely affects their marital relationship. If you want to make changes in your life, do not hesitate to do so and talk about it with your partner. You may be surprised to discover that they, too, want to do things they were afraid to talk about until you opened up to them.

Try not to judge each other for what is said, but support each other and pursue your dreams together. It may be scary at times, but you will feel a renewed excitement in your life which will seep into your relationship in a more positive way than the regret you may have experienced before trying to change your actions.


6. Eliminate your expectations

This may sound strange but when you’re in a relationship, you don’t need to lower your expectations but rather eliminate them entirely. According to life coach Pam Bauer, when people expect certain things from their partner that doesn’t actually happen, there will always be a sense of disappointment in the relationship.

Over time, expectations and lack of fulfilling them become a point-counting thing in which one side always loses, which can certainly kill the spark in the relationship. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader and they don’t know what you expect or what you want. Once you do this, you can free yourself from the frustration you felt when your expectations aren’t met and work on improving the relationship in a way that suits both of you.

Marriage tips

7. Try things you've never done before

Most people’s daily routine includes work, household chores, family life, and sleep. These habitual practices cause many people to neglect their relationship, which can put out the much sought after spark. To bring it back into your relationship, do things you've never done with your partner. It can be something as small as cooking a special meal you’ve always wanted to taste or something big and exciting like skydiving. These actions will help you strengthen the bond between the both of you and allow you to get excited again in each other's company.

8. Learn to distinguish between criticism and a complaint

How many times have you had a conversation with your partner that turned into a fight? This usually happens when our partner asks us to change something in our behavior, but instead of understanding that it is a request, we hear their words as harsh criticism. To avoid this, it is important that you understand the difference between criticism and a complaint.

Criticism is an attack on a person’s character with the purpose of causing them pain, while a complaint is intended to improve the person's actions. If, for example, you hear a sentence like "You used to help clean the house," don’t be offended. This is a request for help rather than a personal assault, and there is no need to start an unnecessary argument. Keeping your relationship at peace and maintaining healthy, non-aggressive conversations will help you communicate better and feel more comfortable with each other than ever before.

Marriage tips

9. Leave the ego at the door

Your ego has no place in your relationship, and it can do more harm than you think. Many arguments turn into a “who’s right” tug-of-war instead of remaining a calm conversation meant to help the relationship. Whenever you feel a fight is about to break out, consider whether it will help your relationship or simply feed your ego when it turns out you're right. Most of the time you will probably realize that the second option is the one you are striving for, and it’s best if you avoid it. When you talk to your partner, leave your ego out of the conversation and don’t go to war over who is right. This will help to soften the other side and will also contribute significantly to your mutual excitement when you’re not trying to prove yourself right all the time.
image source: Guian Bolisay
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