I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.

What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.

I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln

Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.

There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.

Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!

This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx

"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?

Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!

Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.

I dreamt about you. You died.

What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.

My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'

The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown

“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”

― A.A. Milne.

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton

What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”

Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.

Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.

National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.

I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.

What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.

What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.

What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.

Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.

What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.

What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.

How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.