That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Can I hold your hand?
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.