Don't worry, bee happy!
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I less than three you.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.