Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Nice asteroids.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.