I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.