Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.