Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.