Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
You’re my pot of gold.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.