"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
Sea you at the beach.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.