What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Let’s take an elfie.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper