Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker