I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker