Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Can we still share a netflix account?
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house