How was heaven when you left it?
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris