I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Pugs and kisses.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
"Read between the wines."
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.