"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Let’s take an elfie.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I’m soy
into you.